Aries - March 21^st to April 19^th
You are a hopeless moron who will believe the most vague statements are directly relating to you. Tonight, be brave, you will most likely fall asleep. Tomorrow, work hard, you will most likely wake up in the morning. Love, you have something looming on the horizon. You will also die one day.

Taurus - April 20^th to May 20^th
You are a hopeless moron who will believe the most vague statements are directly relating to you. Tonight, be strong, you will sleep. Tomorrow, play after you wake up. Look for love on the horizon. You are also one day closer to your death.

Gemini - May 21^st to June 21^st
You are a hopeless moron who will believe the most vague statements are directly relating to you. Tonight, chances are high you will fall asleep. Probably after eating something called food. Tomorrow, you will probably wake up and see the sunlight. Love, you've missed your chance...maybe. You are also 24 hours closer to your very own death.

Cancer - June 22^nd to July 22^nd
You are a hopeless moron who will believe the most vague statements are directly relating to you. Tonight, drowsiness will overtake you, let it. Tomorrow, the sun will rise. Love, more like lust! You are also closer to the day marked for your demise.

Leo - July 23^rd to August 22^nd
You are a hopeless moron who will believe the most vague statements are directly relating to you. Tonight, your eyes will close at some point. Tomorrow, you will walk somewhere. Love, you are either in love or not. Death is one step closer today.

Virgo - August 23^rd to September 22^nd
You are a hopeless moron who will believe the most vague statements are directly relating to you. Tonight, water will surround you, or it will fall onto your head in sprinkles. Tomorrow, you will eat something. Love, you will probably end up masturbating. Death is salivating over you.

Libra - September 23^rd to October 22^nd
You are a hopeless moron who will believe the most vague statements are directly relating to you. Tonight, you will sit and rest. Tomorrow, you will not sit and rest for some time. Love, you just aren't satisfied, are you? Don't you see death behind you?

Scorpio - October 23^rd to November 21^st
You are a hopeless moron who will believe the most vague statements are directly relating to you. Tonight, you will sleep in a bed. Tomorrow, you will wake up. Love, you are searching, think you are in love, or don't care. Death surrounds you.

Sagittarius - November 22^nd to December 21^st
You are a hopeless moron who will believe the most vague statements are directly relating to you. Tonight, the sun will set. Tomorrow, you will scratch a body part. Love is something you think you understand. Death is something you think you can avoid.

Capricorn - December 22^nd to January 19^th
You are a hopeless moron who will believe the most vague statements are directly relating to you. Tonight, you will allow yourself to be brainwashed by Television. Tomorrow, you will do the same thing. Death isn't a thought in your mind.

Aquarius - January 20^th to February 18^th
You are a hopeless moron who will believe the most vague statements are directly relating to you. Tonight, it will get dark. Tomorrow, it will get light. Someone you know will say something to you.

Pisces - February 19^th to March 20^th
You are a hopeless moron who will believe the most vague statements are directly relating to you. Tonight, you will see something. Tomorrow, you will see something. Love may or may not happen to you. Death will happen to you.